(Content warning: There is a brief reference made to traumatic events in this article, and may be upsetting for some readers. )

Understanding The Frequency of Trauma for Couples

There are a few things that can challenge a couple’s relationship. Like a past tragedy or loss that has deeply scarred, one or both, partners. If you have had to make room in your relationship for the unwanted and unexpected ghost of you or your partner’s past, be sure to read on.

First off, I want to normalize for you how often couples find themselves in this kind of situation. By some estimates, roughly 70% of American adults have experienced some kind of traumatic event at some point in their lives. Now, the percentage of people who develop such severe symptoms that they meet the standard for a PTSD diagnosis is thankfully much lower. Around 8% for women and 4% for men. So it is highly likely that at least one of you will bring some significant baggage into the relationship. Despite all best intentions.

To go even further in seeing just how common this struggle is for many couples, consider that there are a wide variety of situations. Situations that can leave this kind of painful impression on a person, at any walk of life. Someone could lose a parent at a young age, survive a natural disaster, experience betrayal in an intimate relationship, endure racial profiling, witness violence, undergo invasive medical treatment or survive an assault.

How Past Traumatic Stress or Grief and Loss Impacts a Relationship

Some folks continue to have significant challenges coping with life stress after such an experience. While others barely seem to be affected. Either way, certain events later in life can trigger a reaction that has much less to do with what is happening at the moment, and much more to do with whatever happened in the past.

How frustrating!

The fact is, whether you are the one feeling triggered, or the one trying to make sense of the trigger, it can leave you feeling out of control and highly discouraged. You may begin to wonder if you will ever feel a sense of peace in your relationship ever again.

What Couples Need to Overcome the Impact of Trauma and Stress

Here’s the good news: you and your partner or spouse can work together. To gain a better understanding of why this is happening, and how you can begin to stop it. And it doesn’t have to take months or years to see this change. The most important factor in getting ahead of this struggle is how motivated both of you are for change. As well as a willingness to commit to whatever process you choose for addressing it.

In all the couples I have worked with, it really boils down to motivation and commitment. Learning to deal with the ghost of trauma isn’t about how smart you are. Or how many books you two have read or how emotionally strong your partner is. When there is commitment and motivation to grow together and overcome challenges, your work will always pay off.

Navigating trauma as a couple is a difficult path. But it can bring about a higher degree of closeness. Between you and your partner as you approach the trauma together, with compassion and nonjudgment. Accepting that neither person is better or worse based on what they’ve been through can allow the relationship to provide a safe and healthy environment. One where both people can learn and grow and develop a wonderful life.

How Foundational Skills Create Peace and Harmony in an Intimate Relationship

The same core skills that all couples can use to enhance their communication and connection, can also help couples who experience stress from the effects of traumatic events. For example, learning how to practice assertive communication can help the partner who is feeling triggered to ask for what they need and actually get their needs met. Practicing self-soothing is useful for both partners during a conflict. Helping them to bring down elevated emotions, think more clearly and return to feeling more in control. And rituals of connection can strengthen your positive bond to make you even more resistant to stress in the first place.

Those are just a few of the tools that I personally use with couples experiencing the effects of traumatic stress. They have the power to work quite quickly. Usually, partners who carry stress start to feel much more understood before the session is even over, even when using the prescribed tools feels awkward at first. And for the partner who does not struggle with PTSD or significant stress themselves, feels more confident in their ability to help their loved one and navigate the storm of a triggering moment.

Couples counseling also helps spouses and partners to have professional direction on whether further support is needed for the more deeply affected person. They may be given resources for individual sessions that can help to enhance the positive impact of the couple’s work. Along with a greater variety of tools for coping with difficult feelings or urges.

Conclusion: Couples Counseling Can Unlock Understanding and Success For Challenged Couples

The ultimate result is that the two of you can feel at ease and well-equipped to handle the storms of life that you each encounter. And this is true whether your more significant challenges are in the past, present, or future. Knowing how to ride out these experiences, and come out loving and understanding each other more despite them, is one of the best gifts you could ever give yourselves.

If you’d like to reach out to me to explore working together, I would be more than happy to discuss that with you. Set up a call through the Work With Me page.

Ready to Start Couples Counseling in Charlottesville, VA?

Are past traumas affecting your relationship and causing distress? Start healing and rebuilding trust by seeking couples counseling specifically tailored to address trauma. Meet with a skilled couples therapist who can provide a safe and nurturing space at Satya Counseling and Yoga for both partners to process their individual trauma, enhance communication, and foster a renewed sense of connection, guiding you toward a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.

1. Schedule a complimentary 20-minute call to see if we’ll be the right fit for your relationship needs

2. Begin meeting with me, Linda Sanderville, a skilled couples therapist

3. Begin navigating the trauma in your relationship to create a healthier relationship with your partner!

Other Services Offered at Satya Counseling and Yoga

At Satya Counseling and Yoga, I want to help create a safe space for my clients to start their healing journey whether individually or in your relationship. To help accommodate you at my Northern Virginia practice, the services I offer include trauma therapy, anxiety therapy, depression therapy, and couples counseling. I also offer a Transformation Therapy Intensive for those looking to seek accelerated progress toward their identified goals and personal growth. For more about my practice check out my FAQs and blog!