“Healing” is an often misused term, and why I use it anyway

Everyone is searching for something. Whether we label this “something” as relief, release, a fresh start, a new and improved self or transformation, one thing is clear: we know we have an unmet need and we will seek to fill it by any means necessary.

This quality of staying persistent in meeting our needs is part of what makes us human, and is a core part of our resilience, living in a tough world. (Resilience is another potentially overused word! See this older post here) 

One familiar way that we like to refer to the process of meeting our needs is, you guessed it, “healing.” If you are anything like me, the word “healing” can bring to mind all sorts of images: luxurious spa treatments to demonstrate your commitment to self care, finally ending relationships with people who persistently cause you pain, learning to make space for loving connection with your vulnerable inner child, creating boundaries with romantic partners that allow you to maintain your sense of identity and independence, finding freedom from specific identity-based expectations that cause incredible harm to Black women, gay men etc etc.

Clearly, this is only a small sample of possible interpretations for healing (we didn’t even touch on generational curses!), so how do we sort out which is the true definition? And who gets to decide how this is defined? And how do we know when the process is done?

It is my professional opinion that healing is both objective and subjective. And it is the individual on the healing journey who ultimately defines success. 

Healing is objective because there are many aspects that can be measured. Are you and your partner arguing less frequently each week and reporting higher levels of satisfaction with your relationship in a scale of 1-5? Then based on objective measures, your relationship is improving!

Healing is subjective because there are aspects of growth that are extremely personal. Perhaps after months of processing the grief around the death of your last parent figure, you experience a vision-like dream in which you meet together and they share something with you that you never knew before, and that provides you with a sense of release. Based on subjective measures, you have moved further along in your healing journey.

Ultimately, it is up to you, as the individual. to decide what healing looks and feels like, and to form this belief from the center of your wise self. It is also your responsibility to remain somewhat flexible to new information and awareness that may slightly alter how you perceive healing as you continue along your path.

Having a compassionate and trustworthy companion to walk alongside you, lending you a variety of tools as needed, along with lots of encouragement and validation, is one of the main benefits of therapy. Healing is highly personal, but as social creatures, we sustain the best progress while in community. Be sure that you choose a professional that adds value to the community you have around you.