On being the first

This one goes out to all my folks who’ve gone first.

As some of you may know, I am in the first generation of my family to be born in the U.S. and therefore a second generation American. This makes so many of my accomplishments an automatic first on U.S. soil, even if many of these were mirrored by my parents, or those who came before them, in our home country of Ghana.

There is something about being the daughter of immigrants that places a tremendous amount of weight on your shoulders. You are constantly spurred on by your elders to be the absolute best- no settling for average. This repeated pressure, combined with growing up in a generation where you were led to believe that anything is possible (hello fellow Millennials), can really do a number on you when life starts happening.

Even those who choose to rebel against these expectations and go off the beaten trail altogether have a hard time not beating themselves up through their inner critic (I’m looking at you, all my second gen creatives who didn’t get a J. D., Ph. D or an M.D.).

Truth is, you don’t even have to be the adult child of a parent who migrated to the U.S. with nothing more than a dream and the clothes on their back to identify with this experience.

You may be the first person in your family to move away from your hometown and pursue college, or the first to move North, or to a much bigger city, living a completely different lifestyle.

You may be the first to build your own successful business from the ground up, without anyone to show you the ropes or give you a template for how to make it work, or the funding to get you started comfortably.

You may be the first young woman from your kin to do well all on your own before finding Mr. Right or starting a family (assuming you are even interested in that particular lifestyle), and you may face a lot of confusion and suspicion for choosing to live this way.

You may be the first older woman in your family in a long time who has an equal partnership with her spouse, and demands to be respected in her home, and you may intimidate other family members who don’t understand the way that you are.

Perhaps you talk a little differently than the family you grew up with or the kids with whom you went to school. Or maybe your accent is the same, but what you talk about and the things you do in your spare time have changed. While you may enjoy getting exposed to people and places that you never had access to before, it can feel lonely at times when you have to travel into those worlds without many of the people you started out next to.

When you have somehow forged your own way forward in life in spite of limited support and frequent setbacks, you learn the pain and frustration that can often come with being the first. It can be hard to find your confidence when all eyes are watching you, to see if you will succeed or fail, especially when it seems that the ones who aren’t taking these risks would be happy to see you fall on your face.

And yet, even in the midst of all this, you are developing this incredible treasure inside yourself that can shine through almost any situation. You are developing perseverance and a commitment to yourself, to never settle for less than what you want. You are developing the willingness to remain authentic to who you are and the mark you are capable of leaving on the world around you.

When you’ve faced the challenges of creating the path, rather than just following the path, you learn that you can be trusted with much, and that your time, energy and heart are of too much value to waste on thoughtless people or meaningless tasks. You thrive on purpose, impact and taking proper care of all aspects of yourself, and it shows!

Of course, being willing to step into the water without knowing how deep it will be doesn’t mean that you are perfect. Truthfully, perfection has never been required for bravery. It simply shows that you are willing to try something new, to step out into the unknown, and sometimes reap a reward because the risk pays off. Failures still happen to the best of us, and learning how not to be overcome by your mistakes is a very important part of your life’s journey. Especially when you are one goes first *

If you would like expert guidance on removing any of the emotional or mental baggage that hinders your ability to feel your best or operate at your highest potential, please don’t feel ashamed for being in need. Even the most successful people know that they need support from time to time, and you don’t need to go without.

Help is available for you. Contact me today for a call or an initial appointment, so that you don’t have to keep waiting for the best years of your life to begin!          

Linda Sanderville, LCSW, RYT-200, is a psychotherapist with over ten years experience in effective trauma treatment and training and supervision of other mental health professionals. Currently, she provides speciality services to adults seeking recovery from stressful life events and those who desire to optimize their wellness and the health of their relationships.