Microaggressions, invalidation and the highly sensitive inner child

In the context of our current realities, most of us already know or are quickly learning a lot about microaggressions. Understood to be off-hand statements that are essentially assumptions based on someone’s observed characteristics (race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, etc), you have undoubtedly been on the giving or receiving end of these incidents in one way or another.

Examples may include having someone assume you are in a heterosexual relationship when you mention your spouse, being asked to teach someone how to write out a random word in Chinese characters because of your heritage or having someone suggest to you, a Black woman, that you are in the wrong line when you line up for first class seating on your flight.

Whether the individual verbalizing these comments is accurate in your case or not (like, you kinda nail it when it comes to Chinese calligraphy), it reveals that there is little cognitive space made for you or others who may be different from these what these flawed cognitive short cuts suggest. The invalidation of your lived reality can be experienced as a sort of social wound or rejection, and there is often little to no time to sort through your emotional and physiological reactions as you try to recover and save face.

This challenge may present even more significant difficulties if you have a sensitive inner child. This sensitive inner child is the part of you that may still be in the process of healing from early life stressors, and that is inherently vulnerable, open and easily hurt. While no one enjoys being misunderstood, people with this particular emotional makeup can find it extremely difficult to shift out of constant rethinking of comments made to them along these lines. They struggle to process and, in turn, assert themselves effectively to confront these situations. This can lead to impacts on self-esteem, a feeling of powerlessness and an enduring sense of isolation or being “othered.”

While this challenge feels daunting, there are some steps you can being taking today that might reduce the negative impact of invalidating microaggressions on your precious sensitive self. Simply acknowledging that you move through the world with a more tender spirit, something that the world actually needs much more of, can help a great deal with accepting yourself. Exploring how this quality brings unique gifts to your life and the people around you can help you reframe, or rethink, the value you place on your way of being. There is so much you pick up on that others don’t, so much you appreciate that others take for granted. While the current social climate is particularly overwhelming for you, especially if you are in a marginalized group, it is also proof that you are needed now more than ever. 

Another important coping skill to highlight for the highly-sensitive inner children amongst us is to take time out to release strong emotions. This is where good ol’fashioned journaling can come in really handy. Whether you write out angry letters to the recipient of your choice that you then soak in water, roll into a ball and throw at the wall, or keep a daily practice of writing out 3 things you are grateful for, simply getting the words and feelings out it is the goal. Remember: unexpressed leads to greater stress. But this must be done appropriately or you could risk creating even more problems for yourself.

Lastly, we are nothing if not social animals. Who you surround yourself with goes a long way towards influencing how you think of yourself and whether you tend to have enough validating experiences to outweigh the bad. Not everyone is going to understand or celebrate you- and that’s okay, because there are plenty of others who will. Whether you experience this deep level of support with your singles group at church, your work bestie or your online cosplay community, be sure to prioritize time with the people who make you feel that you are easy to love in your own skin.

So, in conclusion, acknowledge the good of your sensitivity, release built up thoughts and emotions and be choosy with folks you spend the most time with. Just a few small steps in the right direction can make all the difference in your joy and resilience in tough times like these. Rest well and be loved, dear reader💕