Surviving The Storm: Overcoming The Frustration and Misunderstanding in Couples’ Communication
The Headache of Miscommunication
“She keeps bringing this up- she won’t let it go!”
“How much more do I have to do to protect his ego?!”
“What’s the point in talking about it? It never gets any better.”
“I can’t believe the way you’re talking to me! You must not love me if you can speak to me like that!”
“You never listen!”
I often hear in couples counseling, this kind of hurt and frustration in couples’ voices by the time they get to me. It’s unmistakable. For most, they have been having the same disagreements for weeks, months, and sometimes even years before they decide that they are this close to giving up, and need someone else to help them save their relationship.
Are You Afraid That Couples Counseling Will Make Your Relationship Worse?
In fact, most couples who do end up seeking professional support, have been running around in the same circles with their conflicts for about 6 years prior to getting help. Six years! That’s a lot of time for problems to fester, grow legs and walk out the door with the sanity and joy that you once had together.
And it’s no wonder that we can struggle for so long before seeking out new solutions. Especially when most of us were raised by parents and caretakers who either never had outside help with their relationship, whether they needed it or not. Or they had a pattern of toxic relationships that never got resolved. When we haven’t seen a lot of our own family members or friends find solutions to their relationship complaints, it can feel pointless to bring someone else in, only to have the problems remain or get even worse.
If Communication is a Struggle You Want a Professional Couples Therapist To Help
When communication is a constant battle in your own home, you want to have the confidence that a couples therapist will not spend their time fanning the flames of what was already wrong in the first place. And this is not an unreasonable fear to have! There are counselors who have not been trained in any particular model of couples counseling. They are essentially winging it because they assume if you can work with one, then you can work with two.
Absolutely not.
Couples counseling actually does have the ability to strengthen your relationship and give you a variety of tools that help you to communicate more clearly. As well as view each other more positively, protect your connection, and enhance your respect and affection for one another. You simply need to ensure that you are meeting with a skilled couples therapist who has a proven method and is confident to help you in your unique situation.
The Most Common Struggle For Couples in Conflict
One common communication hurdle that I see over and over again is the impact of flooding on a couple’s attempts to resolve conflict. One or both partners may experience difficulties with this, and, if ignored, it will make resolution impossible. What is flooding you ask? Flooding is just a catch-all term for all the physical changes your body experiences when you feel you are under threat. It includes heart racing, shallow and quick breathing, rising body temperature, and rising blood pressure.
You can imagine how difficult it would be to calmly discuss a difficult topic if either one of you is experiencing some of the body changes described above!
It’s Okay to Hit The Pause Button
Often, when a couple has ongoing problems with experiencing flooding during conflict, the first thing I do as their therapist is get them to table hot-button issues for down the road until they have practiced some of the other skills. We immediately work on taking a communicated “Pause” from challenging interactions and using our ability to self-soothe, and then partner-soothe, in order to decrease the perception of threat. Once couples can do this, it greatly reduces how reactive they are to one another, and helps them feel more confident that they can, and will, work things out.
Conclusion: Your Relationship Can Turn Around With The Right Tools!
I want you to know that there is hope for your relationship and most of the common negative patterns that couples face can be unlearned. As long as both of you have a willingness to put in the work and commit to the well-being of your relationship, great progress can be made.
Frustration and misunderstanding may dominate your relationship today, but it can flourish with a strong friendship and effective communication.
About The Author
Linda Sanderville, LCSW is a psychotherapist with over ten years experience in effective trauma treatment and training and supervision of other mental health professionals. Currently, she provides specialty services to adults seeking recovery from stressful life events and those who desire to optimize their wellness and the health of their relationships.
Interested in Starting Couples Counseling in Charlottesville, VA?
Is constant misunderstanding and conflict straining your relationship? Reclaim the love and harmony you both deserve by enrolling in couples counseling at Satya Counseling & Yoga. Discover effective communication techniques, learn to resolve conflicts, and rebuild a strong and connected partnership from a Gottman-trained couples therapist. Act now and take a proactive step towards a happier and more fulfilling relationship. Follow these three steps to get started:
Schedule a complimentary 20-minute call to see if we’ll be the right fit
Begin meeting with me, Linda Sanderville, Gottman Couples Therapist
Start moving forward in your relationship with a competent couples therapist who understands your needs!
Other Services Offered at Satya Counseling and Yoga
At Satya Counseling and Yoga, I want to help create a safe space for my clients to start their healing journey. To help accommodate you at my Northern Virginia practice, the services I offer in addition to couples counseling include trauma therapy, anxiety therapy, and depression therapy. I also offer a Transformation Therapy Intensive for those looking to seek accelerated progress toward their identified goals and personal growth. For more about my practice check out my FAQs and blog!